I’m a bit of a data hoarder. Among other things, I never remove birthdays from my calendar once I’ve added them. Sometimes this leads to a pang of heartbreak when I look at my calendar to see it’s the birthday of a past crush. 空色♡ Birthday Card (literally: Sky-blue Birthday Card) captures my experience of this.

I’ll excerpt and translate the relevant lyrics; if you’re interested you can find the complete lyrics and a translation on the Idolm@ster Wiki. If you want to listen, I prefer the short MV version of the song anyways1, or here’s a link to the full length version on YouTube Music:

大丈夫だ、って　もう平気だ、って

“It’s fine”, “I’m calm now”

The song has a chill, acoustic instrumentation. It reflects a peaceful, calm mood before the surprise of having been reminded of my past crushes’ birthdays.

そうだ… 忘れていた赤い◎(にじゅうまる)

Ah… it’s the red double circle I’d forgotten about

Even years later, just seeing the all-day calendar event can make me briefly drift into thinking about what ifs and counterfactuals.

(ふわ　空に溶ける)
Happy Birthday
(Far　遥かきみへ)
おめでとう

(Softly, melting in the sky)
Happy Birthday
(To you, far away)
I wish you Happy Birthday

These lyrics echo like the ruminative ifs and counterfactuals and my wish to wish them happy birthday.

(願ってるよ)どうか笑顔でいてね
“友達”として

(I wish) for you to keep smiling
As a “friend”

An unrequited crush feels paradoxical. After being rejected, my feelings remain strong and I want little more than to spend time with my crush, but it’s hard to tell whether I’m acting out of my selfish desire or in their best interests. I can only try my best to respect their wishes and act as a friend.

愛しい日々をありがとうね
きみに恋をしてよかった

Thank you for the precious days
I’m glad I loved you

I typically end up taking something away from an unrequited crush, and longer term don’t end up regretting having confessed my feelings. Usually, I end up recognizing that there was something I envied in the other person.

(見上げたら)ちゃんと笑顔でいよう
私らしく

(Looking up at the sky) I’ll try to smile
properly authentically

This helps me understand myself better, and become myself more authentically. I’ve learned to better explain why I like things, to be less ashamed of sharing even the obscure things I like, and to be more aware and present.

いつかいつか　ありがとうを

Some day, I’ll thank you

After drifting apart, it becomes possible to recognize that rather than being genuine, the desire to thank them for the insight I gained was mostly an excuse to have contact with them.

飛行機雲
なんとなく今日は
優しい消印みたい

In the vapor trails
Today, I’m able to make out
a friendly looking postmark

But the desire stubbornly sticks around, everyday occurrences end up being reminders. Over time, resisting, this impulse fades. Reflecting this, the ruminative echoes reprise.

First, just the parenthesized longing reprises without an action to express it.

(Far　空に溶ける)
(ふわ　遥かきみへ)

(Far away, melting into the sky)
(Softly, to you)

Then at the very end of the song the thanks is only written into the sky.

(ふわ　空に溶ける) Happy Birthday
(Far　遥かきみへ) 指先で「ありがとう」

(Softly, melting into the sky) Happy Birthday
(To you, far away) with my fingertip, I write thanks.

After all, the desire to thank them was mostly for catharsis, not for their benefit. If they are no longer in my life, I can be grateful for the impact they had on my life without needing to convey my thanks to them.

I went on what I thought was a “date” just two days before my birthday. Naturally, their birthday ended up on my calendar. I told them I liked them, but my romantic feelings were unreciprocated. I’m aware how I will likely feel when that date comes up on my calendar. And yet, I won’t remove it.

  1. The verses are sung in relay with a rawer, more intimate feel than the full length version where the verses are sung in chorus. ↩